//save me//
It was Christmas afternoon, and I had spent the better part of my morning asleep on the couch, when my mom nudged me awake saying, “You want to go see a movie?” Now, I have never been one to place my parents in the “un-cool” category, in fact they are a rather entertaining couple of people to be around. I have said many times that I love being at home. So, the prospect of catching a flick with those who brought me into the world didn’t seem like such a bad idea. My brother and his wife have already abandoned me for a visit to her parents, so I had little reason to say no to my mother’s innocent invitation.
So I got dressed. My mom dittied up her hair and put on her best causal attire suitable for the occasion, while my dad slapped on some jeans, a t-shirt, and adorned his head with a cap endorsing a major dealer in commercial demolition equipment (the twin to the cap I found in my stocking this morning). At a quarter to three, my father sauntered into the living room and in the most pristine of East Texas twang said, “We riddy?”
Of course I was ready. Free Movie + Free Popcorn = Why the hell not?
From the looks of the empty parking lot it seems like the rest of my hometown had found better things to do with their holiday afternoon. My parents and I make our way inside to find an empty lobby and a young, pissed off girl working the counter. Going to the movies with your parents as a single 24-year-old male, doesn’t seem like such a big deal, and for a while there I had convinced myself that what I was doing was perfectly okay. While I’m standing there waiting for my father to solve the quagmire that is butter or no-butter, I experience one of the most bone chilling moments of my life.
From my peripheral vision my eyes are drawn to the three people that have now unbeknownst to me joined us in the lobby. Another father-mother-son combo has decided to indulge in the cinema this afternoon, and I soon realize that I am now standing within throwing distance of The Most Pathetic Man in The World: a 30-something male who third-wheels it with his parents to the movies. I become entranced by his mere existence and before I know it our eyes meet and TMPMITW gives me a nod and a terrible little smile.
Holy shit, he’s found a kindred spirit, and it’s me. I belong to The Most Pathetic Brotherhood. He's given me the secret greeting. I'm in. My life's over. Shoot me now. This is an official lifetime low point.
It is in this moment I realize the main reason why I want to find someone. Not because I want to be in love, make out, have sex, get married, or have kids. This my friends really is the bottom line, the chief attraction of the opposite sex for all of us, old and young, men and women is that we need someone to save us from the pathetic sympathy smiles in the cinema snack line, someone who can stop us from plummeting down deep into the pit where the permanently single are hanging out with their moms and dads. I refuse to go back there again; I’d rather “stay in” for the rest of my life than attract that kind of attention.
jared.
So I got dressed. My mom dittied up her hair and put on her best causal attire suitable for the occasion, while my dad slapped on some jeans, a t-shirt, and adorned his head with a cap endorsing a major dealer in commercial demolition equipment (the twin to the cap I found in my stocking this morning). At a quarter to three, my father sauntered into the living room and in the most pristine of East Texas twang said, “We riddy?”
Of course I was ready. Free Movie + Free Popcorn = Why the hell not?
From the looks of the empty parking lot it seems like the rest of my hometown had found better things to do with their holiday afternoon. My parents and I make our way inside to find an empty lobby and a young, pissed off girl working the counter. Going to the movies with your parents as a single 24-year-old male, doesn’t seem like such a big deal, and for a while there I had convinced myself that what I was doing was perfectly okay. While I’m standing there waiting for my father to solve the quagmire that is butter or no-butter, I experience one of the most bone chilling moments of my life.
From my peripheral vision my eyes are drawn to the three people that have now unbeknownst to me joined us in the lobby. Another father-mother-son combo has decided to indulge in the cinema this afternoon, and I soon realize that I am now standing within throwing distance of The Most Pathetic Man in The World: a 30-something male who third-wheels it with his parents to the movies. I become entranced by his mere existence and before I know it our eyes meet and TMPMITW gives me a nod and a terrible little smile.
Holy shit, he’s found a kindred spirit, and it’s me. I belong to The Most Pathetic Brotherhood. He's given me the secret greeting. I'm in. My life's over. Shoot me now. This is an official lifetime low point.
It is in this moment I realize the main reason why I want to find someone. Not because I want to be in love, make out, have sex, get married, or have kids. This my friends really is the bottom line, the chief attraction of the opposite sex for all of us, old and young, men and women is that we need someone to save us from the pathetic sympathy smiles in the cinema snack line, someone who can stop us from plummeting down deep into the pit where the permanently single are hanging out with their moms and dads. I refuse to go back there again; I’d rather “stay in” for the rest of my life than attract that kind of attention.
jared.
Hahahaha!!! Amazing...you'll be ok.
Posted by
christie |
12:12 PM
hahaha...i love it!
Posted by
daniel |
7:44 AM